Scooterotica

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f@@king fault!!!

What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?


Ones an Australian marsupial, the others a Geordie stuck in a lift.

What's the difference between a Tikka Masala and a Tarka Masala?

Both curries just one's a little otter...

My wife came into the lounge in her nightie and said, "darling, i've just shaved my fanny so you know what that means mmmmmmm,
I said " aye, the f@@king sinks blocked again "

A man had an accident whilst at his work bench and thought he should phone his wife.

"Hello dear. I'm afraid I've chopped off one of my fingers."

"What! The whole finger?"

"No. The one next to it."

My 4 year old daughter asked "what's your favourite bit of Peppa Pig?"
Crackling is not the right answer

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

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What's the best thing about a prostitute dying during your sex session?

The second hour is free!

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

At the gym yesterday I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to get my finger in....


....anyway she's filed a formal complaint with the police and my membership has been cancelled.

Woman sees sign in pet shop window: FANNY LICKING FROG £25. In she quickly goes "Hello, i'd like to see the fanny licking frog!" The bloke behind the counter says "BONJOUR MADAM..."


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