Scooterotica

A posh lady went to the doctor and complained she was not feeling well

Doc, We'll do some blood tests, come back next week
The following week she returns

Doc, We did the tests and you have a STI

Lady, I must have got it off a toilet seat!

Doc, You must have been chewing it, it's in your mouth
..........................................................................................................

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all
perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.
Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had
contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched
one with the tip of my finger..." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your
finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have
you ever had contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but
replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip
your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there was a lot of commotion in the line of
girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she
reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the
rush?" The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy
Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her arse in it!"

Got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well - prophets are going through the roof!!

A friend recently applied to Channel 4 - and got this back...

Dear Sir,

On behalf of Channel 4 may I thank you for the application you have provided for your wife to appear on our forthcoming reality show and also for the charming photograph you enclosed with the application letter.

Whilst agreeing that she would no doubt make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would take this opportunity to advise you that the correct title of the new series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards

Channel 4

I thought I saw my wifes name of a loaf of bread today but when I looked closer it said .....Thick Cut

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!


Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.

My mate died from Heartburn yesterday :

Can't believe Gav is gone.

What's 10 inches long, hard as steel, and can keep a woman loyal to you for years?

A deadlock bolt on a basement door in London apparently.

I was in an important meeting when my secretary came in to tell me I had a phone call.

"Is it urgent, Tina?" I asked.

"No." she said. "It's frum 'uddersfield."

I surprised my new female post lady this morning by sticking my cock through the letter box. i dont know if she was more shocked at seeing my cock or the fact i knew where she lived.

My Chinese neighbor said he has opened a crows shop,i said you mean a clothes shop, he said no, a crows shop, come in and have a rook