Stupid Jokes
i see tesco's are in trouble again,they've found traces of a wheelchair in their vegetable soup.
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rosscla
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What's the difference between tikka masala and tarka masala?
They're both curries, just one's a little 'otter.
They're both curries, just one's a little 'otter.
"Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better."
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CutdownSpence
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A husband took his wife to a disco one saturday night.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
Husband says: "Looks like he's still f@@king celebrating!!
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
Husband says: "Looks like he's still f@@king celebrating!!
One Of England's Finest Salad Dodger's.
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Andy Pickering
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PmslCutdownSpence wrote:A husband took his wife to a disco one saturday night.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
Husband says: "Looks like he's still f@@king celebrating!!
Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk 2
Ricspeed, gone but never forgotten RIP my friend #59
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CutdownSpence
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A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic
100m final. I laughed "Over in 9.5 seconds"? "No" she said "Eight black men
and a gun".
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver.?? The "British National
Party school of diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers
did not open.
100m final. I laughed "Over in 9.5 seconds"? "No" she said "Eight black men
and a gun".
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver.?? The "British National
Party school of diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers
did not open.
One Of England's Finest Salad Dodger's.
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CutdownSpence
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- Main scooter: 1966 Silver Special
- Location: Cyprus
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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
One Of England's Finest Salad Dodger's.
young girl
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the f@@king bricks on time.'
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the f@@king bricks on time.'
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
‘First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while drinking vintage champagne and eating foie gras. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,’ says the coroner.
‘Second body: Scotsman, 25, won £1,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’
The inspector asks, ‘What of the third body?’ ‘Ah,’ says the coroner. ‘This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning.’ ‘Why is he smiling then?’ enquires the inspector. ‘He thought he was having his photo taken.’
‘First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while drinking vintage champagne and eating foie gras. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,’ says the coroner.
‘Second body: Scotsman, 25, won £1,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’
The inspector asks, ‘What of the third body?’ ‘Ah,’ says the coroner. ‘This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning.’ ‘Why is he smiling then?’ enquires the inspector. ‘He thought he was having his photo taken.’