Scooterotica

Wife : " what's on the telly ? " Me : " I think it's dust ".............. and then the fight started.

The man who fell into the upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Dave a 26 year old bachelor goes to a club and starts chatting up an older woman.
She looked good for a 50-year-old and Dave started to think that she probably has a hot daughter.

They drank a bit while flirting when she asked if he's ever had a Sportsman's Double?

“What's that?” Dave asked

“It's a mother & daughter threesome” she said.

Dave said, “No” - excitedly.

They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was “my lucky night”.
They left the club and went back to her place.

She opens the front door and they both enter the house

She puts on the hall light and SHOUTS upstairs….

“Mum, you still awake?”

Pat and Mick met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see.
I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another.
it was neither of us."

Why did the Jews invent double glazing?

So their kids couldn't hear the ice cream van.

Sooty has been arrested for sexually assaulting a minor in the late seventies.

Police also arrested Matthew Corbett; they suspect he had a hand in it.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

So I asked her if we could try a different position.
"Sure", she said, "You stand by the ironing board, and I'll lay on the couch and fart."

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, ..."How flexible are you?"

I said, .... "I can't make Tuesdays."

William Shakespeare walked into a pub ..... the landlord saw him and said "you're bard".