Stupid Jokes

Fun and obscure stuff, anything 'off topic' goes...
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corrado
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Wed Feb 01, 2017 11:19 pm

I just saw a bloke driving a tractor and shouting "THE END IS NIGH!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

mick1
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Fri Mar 17, 2017 5:51 pm

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

And I'm thinking, "Who the f***k's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"


Here are my tips for tomorrow's races at Cheltenham:

•Lunchtime - 12-1
•V Neck - Good Jumper
•Dusty Carpet - Never Been Beaten
•Ronseal - Good Over Fences


It's that time of the year again........Cheltenham Festival time.

Last year I got told to bet on a horse called Landfill.


Turned out to be a rubbish tip...........

B-Race Tuning
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Mon Apr 03, 2017 9:09 pm

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around
the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the
window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to
the bar. 'Get the f*cking manager of this pigshit middle class
w*nkhole please... you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The
barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you
sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert
in the c*ntting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.' The manager
is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for
a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune
he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful,
wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime
minister but I just ****ted your daughter, and now the bitch is
blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively". 'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his salty teardrops asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****
you get sh*t on your bell-end.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you got
any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do
you want me to split your ringhole", or there's the epic "I don't care
if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the
manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of
your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that
you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it'
says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going
superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is
being received as modesty.

The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is
a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling'
that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax
himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being
re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes
his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde
approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in
the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your
penis is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto
your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

I f*cking wrote it!!!'

shaunmc
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Tue Apr 04, 2017 8:56 pm

Class joke that pi**ing me self and I'd only got half way through it. Brilliant, made my day

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corrado
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Wed May 10, 2017 3:16 pm

How many Diane Abbotts does it take to change a light bulb?

One wait..., Two wait..., 3.9 billion

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corrado
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Thu May 18, 2017 10:29 pm

Girlfriend said to me "When did first realise you were going bald"

"When it was taking me longer and longer to wash my face"

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EddieStone
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Thu May 25, 2017 10:58 pm

Had some Oasis soup the other day.

You get a roll with it.

B-Race Tuning
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Thu Aug 03, 2017 7:56 pm

Q: What's the difference between a hooker with diarrhea and an epileptic oyster shucker?

A: An epileptic oyster shucker, shucks between fits.

B-Race Tuning
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Thu Aug 03, 2017 8:01 pm

A bloke is sat on the sofa watching TV when his wife comes in.
'Notice anything different about me?' she asks.
'Nah, not particularly. Had a haircut ?'
'No, not that'
'Oh, bought some new jewellery?'
Nope'
'A new dress then?'
'No, not that either'
'I give up then'
'I'm wearing a gas mask'.

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corrado
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Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:20 pm

Just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock.

The money's not great, but it gets me out the house.....

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