Scooterotica

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "When was I born?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

Q/ What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?


A/ One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

What my future Wikipedia page is going to look like

I went to a fancy dress party in Birmingham where the theme was "spice".

I went as a chilli but everyone else was an astronaut.

Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: a wrapper!
Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Why is Santa so jolly? A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Q: Why doesn't Santa have any kids? A: He only comes once a year.
Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why the Christmas tree can't stand up? A: It doesn't have legs.
Q:What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: What do you call a can wearing a Christmas hat? A Merry Can (American)
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? A: Snowballs.
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish.
Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers? A: Subordinate clauses
The 4 stages of life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus 3. You dress up as Santa Claus 4. You look like Santa Claus

A Lambretta mechanic ( Royalty of all Trades) dies in a scooter accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Lambretta mechanic (Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Lambretta mechanic the the Royalty of all Trades"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The Lambretta mechanic (Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."

Consider it stolen.

I hear the guy that invented predictive text has died,
His funfair is next monkey.