Stupid Jokes

Fun and obscure stuff, anything 'off topic' goes...
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RICSPEED
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:lol:

keep em coming
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dapper
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Location: Brighton (well Hove actually)
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My grandad was diagnosed with a serious ailement and the doctor recommended that we smear his back with lard every day. Sadly, he went downhill very fast after that :( :lol: :lol: :lol:
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JINX
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What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Damn!
Treeman
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his frickin wife.'
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wack 63
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Main scooter: '71 GP TS1
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Earlier today I had a w*nk with The Beano wrapped around my kn*b.That's my bit for Comic Relief.............
flipster
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A couple are walking home from the pub one night when the woman says,"Im just poppin behind that bush for a p**s." Feeling a bit randy, the bloke puts his hand through the bush for a quick grope. Feeling something dangling between her legs he says, "Jesus,have you had a change of sex ?" "No" she said, "Ive had a change of mind, Im having a s**te !" :lol:
P.N.D.S.C.
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Monty
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I met a guy in the pub who said he would kill the wife for £200
He said one clean shot just below her left breast.
I said I want her killed not kneecapped
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Muttley McLadd
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An old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"



"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are! No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!”
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."







The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not ma'am; it's only 2132 now."
CakeAndArseParty
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Muttley McLadd
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I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them ... Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love,
could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to
you?'


Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But
since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich
works a treat!


My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career
and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees
while having a wank.


When I put my Christmas lights up this year I wasn't sure whether or not it
would offend my Muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I painted
'Allah is a c*nt' on my garage door.

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said 'Sorry about
the wait'. I replied 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually'
CakeAndArseParty
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Muttley McLadd
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Working For the Government.


A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."
CakeAndArseParty
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