...................................................................................................................................................................................If at first you don't succeed, skydivings not for you
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I quite fancy a job cleaning mirrors, its something I think I can see myself doing
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said,
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman.
.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£250!" she cried,
"£250 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £250."
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.''No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven, t hen you can choose where to spend eternity.''Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.'Now it's time to visit heaven.
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.
St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP, Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,........... 'Yesterday we were campaigning
I got a hand job from a blind girl last night. She said "You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on." I replied "Nah, you're just pulling my leg."
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We went to a Thunderbird's themed fancy dress party, I went the whole hog, had the hair dyed, and got a costume to look like Virgil.
My wife just put a green coat on and went as Thunderbird two.
A group of pensioners were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the local pub. "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this drink" said one. "Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see mine." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third one. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady. “I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am and where I'm going" said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old" winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings" said a woman cheerfully,
A fat person (did not want to be sexist) walking across the road is run over by a scooter. He say's 'didn't you see me I'm big enough' to which the scooterist replies 'sorry mate I'm on reserve and I didn't think I had enough fuel to go around you'.
