Stupid Jokes

Fun and obscure stuff, anything 'off topic' goes...
bristolmod
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Wed Apr 29, 2015 8:37 am

not really a joke, but they apparently buried Keith Harris along with his lifelong friend Orville yesterday.

The service went swimmingly, until they started lowering the coffin into the ground........ :shock:

"Let me out- open the box, open the box" was the plaintiff cry of his feathered friend from within :D
Scootering since 1968.

warts
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Wed Apr 29, 2015 5:35 pm

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by
just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next
one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Cleethorpes'
Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result
was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize,"
but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

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bolzenanker
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Thu Apr 30, 2015 10:26 pm

Don't know if you've seen this one....

Two teddy bears in the airing cupboard.

Which one is in the army?





The one on the tank.

high plains.......
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Sat May 02, 2015 1:12 pm

Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi ..................



.................................



.................................



..................................



Dubai dont show the Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do

onthelam
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Sun May 10, 2015 3:53 pm

A mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Halfway through he said to the tattooist "don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand"

The tattooist replied " FFS mate give me a chance, I haven't finished his turban yet!"

onthelam
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Thu May 14, 2015 3:41 am

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

onthelam
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Fri May 22, 2015 11:43 am

One of the best benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who the feck ate my kale?"

mr series 2
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Mon Jun 15, 2015 9:25 pm

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow'.

The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,but still nothing'.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open'.

mick1
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Wed Jul 22, 2015 5:50 pm

Greece

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard replied 'You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.'

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous. When he asked how he'd raised the money to build this incredible house,

the Greek mayor said 'You see that bridge over there?'

The Spaniard replied 'No.'

mick1
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Wed Jul 29, 2015 10:26 pm

Nicola Sturgeon was touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.

Suddenly a cow jumped out of a gate into the road.

They hit it full on and the car comes to a dead stop.

Nicola in her usual manner, says to the chauffeur: "Get out and check it - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

" You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered,

his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

" My God, what happened to you ?" asked Nicola.

The chauffeur replied :" When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, his wife gave me a slap up

meal and the daughter made love to me."

" What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.

"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and

I've just killed the cow."

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