Stupid Jokes

[corrado]

I've just devised a test to see who loves me more, the wife or the dog. What you do is lock them both in the boot of the car for an hour and the one who is most pleased to see you wins................

...................the dog won!

[wack 63]

I went shopping with the wife for the first time in years the other day when she said I was a f@@king lazy tw@7.I was so shocked at her language that I nearly fell out of the trolley.

[crooky]

I knew a dyslexic pimp that bought a warehouse and his mate the dyslexic bus driver who bought a couch

[Muttley McLadd]

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me "how did you find her body?"

I said "her tits were OK, but rigor mortis had tightened her arse a bit much for my liking".

[crooky]

a flag was causing trouble in a pub in walks a piece of green tarmac the flags goes all quiet and sits down. The barman goes over and asks him why the change in attitude he tells him "I,m hard but hes a cycle path"

[corrado]

As an NHS manager, I often have to make difficult decisions regarding the allocation of limited funds.

For instance, recently I had to make a choice: spend 250 thousand pounds on experimental cancer treatment to possibly save the life of a single child, or spend it on proven treatment for ten adult alcoholics with self-inflicted liver disease.

In the end I spent it on a new sculpture for the foyer, to show visitors that our hospital is a centre for excellence.

[red]

The Afghan paralympic team were arrested at Heathrow the other day.

They have been charged with bringing small arms into the country :biggrin: :biggrin:

[Muttley McLadd]

I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Poof" & then off we go...

[Mel K]

Latest football transfer news.....

Liverpool have made a £34,000 000 bid for Andy Carrol from West Ham.

[chunky monkey]

Just wasted the last half hour at work laughing at stupid jokes

Three cheers for Ford.



For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.



At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!