Scooterotica

Touchè

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.

Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

I recently bought a thesaurus, but when I got home the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am




I bought a self help DVD titled "How to Deal with Disappointment".


When I got home, the box was empty.




When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject.


These days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow.

I got a pretty girl to tile my bathroom.

While she was doing it I heard her singing "its a heartache, nothing but a fools game".

I thought to myself "She's a bonnie tiler"




At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasc...ulation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"

For sale one false leg ideal stocking filler.

My missus told me to make love to her like they do in the movies. So i shoved it up her a @ss then pulled it out and came all over her face!!! Guess we don't watch the same movies!!!

5 out of 6 people think Russian Roulette is safe.

Met a homeless man in London who told me he lost everything he had just last week.
He had a roof over his head, an HD TV, snooker table, Internet, Health Care, was studying to get his degree and had no bills or any debt!








Then....they let him out on parole.

I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six badgers in a suitcase by the road.

"Are they moving?" Asked the operator.

"I'm not certain," I replied,

"but that would explain the suitcase..."