On Thursday night he gradually came out of his coma.
Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say,
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
He somehow managed to mumble in reply, "Can I just feel your tits then?"
Stupid Jokes
My girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo......
I had to put my foot down
I had to put my foot down
apologies to any of my Irish friends, but..............
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the winner of the next race ?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.
The driver won £52 !
Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore.
So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says " I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin ?"
Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Paddy and Mick found three hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick says "What if one explodes before we get there ?"
Paddy replies "We'll lie and say we only found two !"
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me."
Paddy says "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
Paddy spies a letter lying on the doormat.
It says on the envelope 'DO NOT BEND '.
Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the letter up.
Paddy's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper".
He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper" his wife asks.
"Here Boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell are you doing" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "But I couldn't breathe".
An American tourist asks Paddy "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boat ?".
Paddy replies 'If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat"
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the winner of the next race ?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.
The driver won £52 !
Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore.
So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says " I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin ?"
Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Paddy and Mick found three hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick says "What if one explodes before we get there ?"
Paddy replies "We'll lie and say we only found two !"
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me."
Paddy says "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
Paddy spies a letter lying on the doormat.
It says on the envelope 'DO NOT BEND '.
Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the letter up.
Paddy's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper".
He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper" his wife asks.
"Here Boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell are you doing" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "But I couldn't breathe".
An American tourist asks Paddy "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boat ?".
Paddy replies 'If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat"
On Thursday night he gradually came out of his coma.
Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say,
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
He somehow managed to mumble in reply, "Can I just feel your tits then?"
Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say,
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
He somehow managed to mumble in reply, "Can I just feel your tits then?"
As a trucker stops for a red light on the A12 a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.
Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the bloody gritter......."
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.
Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the bloody gritter......."
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog
was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several
seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws
on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to do a 'pooh' all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog
was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several
seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws
on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to do a 'pooh' all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
My wife said she's leaving me because we don't spend much time together and hardly speak to each other -- at least I think that's what the text said ?
A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"
Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."
"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."
"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."
Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."
"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."
"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."